Wow. Did I say “next week”? Obviously, I meant several weeks into the new year. I hope you weren’t expecting me to be punctual on my blogs, especially around the holidays.
Aw, who’m I kidding, I got a Playstation and got lazy.
Anyway, last time I wrote about the tricky social challenge that is establishing a loving relationship with another human. If you’re only into sheep, I don’t think I can help you. Unless you just want inflatables, in which case send me a private email.
So where did we leave off? Oh, right, we were just digging into how people change over time, whether you like it or not, and what programs are out there for when things get too tough.
People change. Take my wife's enthusiasm for monster movies. When we were dating, my love for her grew with every exploded alien's demise which we celebrated with popcorn and laughs, huddled under a blanket in the dark.
And then we got engaged.
Suddenly my proposals for "horrific" evenings at home were stonewalled, albeit cleverly.
"Sorry, babe, I've got an exam in the morning," she'd say.
"Yeah, we could do that. Or, OR, we could watch that new romantic comedy instead...I'll take my bra off, ooo-oo..."
"Ah, shoot, wouldn't you know it? I just had my retinas waxed. Gotta wait at least a month before watching anything gory or bright explosions. Doctor's orders."
I didn't fall for that last one the third time around, I’ll tell ya. Nice try, woman.
But I should have seen the signs. My monster girl was gone. It was only years into our marriage that she finally came clean.
"I just can't do scary movies anymore, hon. I'm sorry."
Like. Ripping. My. Heart. Out. I understood then, boy. It became crystal clear, let me tell you. It was all a big charade. Her plan was to seduce me in a monstrous way (teehee) and use me to her means. She was just trying to land herself a sugar daddy who would marry her and sire her children! The audacity of women these days. Joke was on her though. I was a broke student at the time of our engagement, so she only married for love. Sucker.
Her tastes in music changed too. She stopped following rock, flocking instead to moon-fruits like Rascal Flats and Michael "Blehbleh". She started eating peppers and spinach like a mature person. Thoughts of skydiving and rock climbing were replaced with gravity-compliant yoga, and she no longer had an affinity for lingerie, no matter what I wore.
And as far as I know, she's still the roller coaster thrill seeker I fell in love with, but that was last tested before we had kids. I've heard the bearing of little bipeds can ruin a person's rollercoasterability. (Eat it, Webster's, it’s a word now,) so we have yet to see if that quality is still intact.
So, in all honesty, there was a lot more change in my spouse than was ever promised in the brochure, but that’s okay. People evolve. And that's good, isn't it? Right? Like, changes can be good for everyone, right?
Huh. Well, I’ll try to break this down for you fine readers anyway.
Now imagine if the relationship between a penguin and a bunch of fish changed after a while. Instead of the fishies constantly swimming away in all directions like jerks, they decided to stop and try talking to the penguin instead. Now, the penguin is, at first, weirded out by this odd, new behaviour in fish. But soon he sees the good in it, right? Now he can easily gobble up finfuls of the foolish little morsels like they're rainbow Skittles. See? A little change in behaviour can be a good thing. The fish can be eaten happily, knowing they weren't deliberately ruining a fellow sea creature's day by zigzagging all over the place like a bunch of fish-dicks. And the penguin? Well, shoot, he's fat an' happy.
Not to brag or anything, but I don't think a better analogy for evolving human relationships has ever been told. Good for me.
Anyway, expect some change in your life partner over the long run. I have to remind myself from time to time, too, that it happens. Embrace it. It's normal. And it’s important to remember, not all spouses / partners / love-monkeys come with a satisfaction guarantee at time of commitment. Heck, even if you spring for the extended warranty there's no safe-guard against your other half turning into a complete ass-hat the moment a pregnancy is announced, or you've given each other apartment keys, or you come home with onion rings instead of curly fries.
In cases of irreparable disappointment, hopefully you can just walk away from such poopery. In most relationship setups, it's fairly simple, just grab your stuff and call an Uber. It's with full-fledge marriages that it gets tricky. Luckily, God invented the "divorce" for just that reason.
Well, okay, divorce is probably just a concept of man. Many men are a bunch of perpetually unsatisfied babies (see earlier submission titled "Big Burly Babies/ Sept 2016" for some in-depth research into that maelstrom) and so they wanted a way out of "unsavory marriages".
And God was all "Oh come on, you wankers! What's the problem? You have wiggly bits, they have complimentary wiggly bits, just have a cuddle and talk things through, fer cryin' out loud! Jesus, I can't believe I made you shmucks in my own image, it's embarrassing, y'know? Holy Goats, I need some wine. Where's the water?"
Anyshits, divorces have been around since the time of Babylon, where ungrateful whiners were dissatisfied that their wives would not bear them a son and were spending far too many dinars at Sears. So, with the blessing of whichever priest was part of their Sunday foursome at St. Andrews on any given weekend, the poor, victimized menfolk of olde were able to cast off their defective wives and upgrade to newer models, even though Redbook wouldn't give them much remaining value on the trade-in.
Thankfully, times have changed, and these days, men as well as women are using divorce as a sort of cancellation policy out of one of society's biggest commitments, second only to a subscription to Columbia House (I realize they don’t exist anymore and my comparisons aren’t usually kept up-to-date topically, but it was a big deal once upon a time, so there.) So now, when married women are displeased with their partner's spending habits or their husband's wearing of lingerie in public, they can sock it to the chauvinistic pigs of yore while hollering "Women of Babylon, unite!"
Point is, no matter what your relationship situation is, there’s always a failsafe. Sometimes it might be messy, but no one needs to worry about being stuck with the wrong partner forever, so if you’re really inclined to find yourself a mate for life, go for it. Meet others, do your due diligence to ensure best compatibility, and take a chance. You can always cancel if need be.
Not that I’m condoning divorces or anything. Yes, they have their purposes and sometimes really are necessary for all involved, but I feel the commitment of marriage requires a person’s utmost willingness to stick by their partner and to work hard at it through thick and thin. It seems these days that as soon as even minor challenges arise some wafty couples rush to the courthouse while downloading Tinder onto their phones. In my opinion, if you’re not fully determined to share a life with someone for the long run, maybe it’s best to avoid the big ceremony and the paperwork and the gift registry that comes with the big M and just stick to sharing an apartment lease until ya know for sure.
Boy oh boy, that got real for a minute. Whew, shake it off now, let’s get to the end already. Here’s the review.
User ID: Mezzer
Item: 1980’s-era model female, Canadian, marriage compatibility package, Dutch Chocolate upgrade.
Rating: 4.9/5 Stars
I’ve been married for over 12 years now, and have been with the same woman since the Y2K bug was dismissed as fodder for idiots. I was still young, but keenly interested in finding a mate, and hopefully for the long run. In the summer of ’00 I became very close friends with a particularly attractive female unit, and decided to try it out.
I started by taking advantage of the free 30-day trial (Offer-code SUMMERLUV) to test out this unit, and it was an eye opener. The model I found was a very limited edition (only one minted, in fact) and came with way more options than I realized at first. Some stuff I wasn’t sure I would use (like country-music playability and an anti-jaywalking safety feature), but all in all, it was very user-friendly from the start. It was obvious a lot of care went into programming this female, and software upgrades were clearly well thought out, including things like Vehicle Driving Awareness – Advanced Version, Credit Building/ Responsible Fiscal Management, and a really handy Emotional Drama Auto-Delete Feature.
From day one she was fun, and after the trial period and thinking about it, I decided to opt in for a monthly subscription. The unit adapted nicely to the fast paced changes in life, and thrived under challenging circumstances. It was remarkably adept at trouble-shooting, and never resorted to throwing money at a problem. Very good for the wallet, and made our relationship better, definitely.
Soon after, I decided to go for the lifetime membership, which included perks such as occasional foot rubs, joint bank accounts, and long-term dream merging. It’s very compatible with pets, a nice plus, and never put in absurd requests for gross things like tarantulas or rhesus monkeys. A few signatures and a cocktail party finalized the official marriage, and there ya go, I had me a very compatible, loving and hard-working wife.
This model was very in-tune to my needs as a person thanks to high quality sensors and receptors. Even though there would sometimes be minor discrepancies between our moods and intents, I found the programs to be pretty sound and free of glitches. I did have to change my way of thinking sometimes, realizing that some programs would simply not allow the unit to partake in certain activities at the level which I would like (mountain biking, skydiving, discarding of corpses for money), but I made do. And to the credit of the upgrade programmers and their keeping with current trends regarding male maturity, this unit never received procreation inclination updates until I was into my thirties, which was perfect for me.
This union brought us two fine little implings, and our little family is now set, growing together through the good and the tough, but it feels great to know she’s always got my back.
I’m very pleased with my spouse, I’ve never had any reason to return her to general inventory. Sure, countless newer models have come out in the last fifteen years or so, certainly, but from what I hear they just don’t make ‘em with that kind of quality anymore. Besides, for sentimental reasons, I’m sure I’ll keep her until her battery eventually dies out and they can’t find any spare parts to keep her going. Definitely worth keeping for the long haul. Heck, I might even have her stuffed when the time comes.
Overall opinion: Definitely worth the investment. I highly recommend getting a compatible spouse if you can find one. But I’ll admit it’s not for everyone. If you want a partner in life but don’t want the “weightiness” of marriage, you can definitely do that to. Plenty of models out there are looking for just that. Even then, maybe being with another human isn’t your thing, perhaps the company of an animal or other entity is all you need. It’s all good. But I do think we all need a partner in life to help us navigate this crazy world, and I urge you to try out options if you can.
For me, it just worked out very much the way I wanted, even though I have put in several requests for monster-movie enjoy-ability upgrades that she has yet to receive, but it was definitely the best move I ever made.
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