My other virus is an Ebola.

Good gravy. This is just bananas, isn't it?

I don't typically entertain the idea of writing about topical issues. I prefer not to be timely or relevant in my posts for two main reasons.

1) I tend to procrastinate, so any efforts on my part to write about anything seasonal, currently relatable, and/or pertinent in any way simply results in my getting to the party about 6 weeks too late. I'm like that guy who is desperately trying to get that single wordy text out while all his other friends have already made the necessary decisions required for life.

"...which is why we should use Mike's car instead of Jessica's for tonight."

"Dude, that was last week."

2) It requires research. I avoid that stuff like, well, like the plague. If I wanted to write about important things which required brainy smart-making, I'd be a column writer for a reputable news outlet which no one pays attention to. People still don't pay attention to me, but at least I don't waste any effort into doing research.

Like I said, I tend to avoid topics-du-jour.
But all this COVID-19 hooplah, good golly, that is impossible to ignore.

I had spent the last couple weeks cobbling something together sentence by sentence about how I always thought my dad had old, crappy 20-year old ski gear when I was a kid and how I'm looking at my current stuff thinking it's super rad but hey, wait a minute, my stuff is 20 years old too now and does my kid think MY snowboard gear is museum-bound as well!?

But the thought of posting something completely off-topic from the entire rest of the planet just seemed a bit too aloof-y, even for me. But I think we can all agree that this pony has been flogged waaaaay beyond its point of expiration already, so much so that it can't even be salvaged for glue.

We've all been inundated with a toilet-paper ton worth of research, pointless rhetoric and sad statistics over the last couple months, and aside from the smarmy preppers hunkered down in their survival shelters, nobody wants to hear about it anymore.

Thankfully, God created memes, and people to make them. There are some great ones out there, terrific little wise-cracking nuggets of cheery gold there to keep us snickering at our phones in denial while society collapses around us. [See!? It can't be helped, more of that sad reality crept in, right there, and we don't need it!]

Anyway, memes are great, but they just distract us for a brief moment, until we're violently yanked back to the present as we are dutifully reminded that we could all die and there are people out there deliberately licking things, right in our very own neighborhoods! So I thought, probably foolishly, we should start looking forward to a future where this wretched virus has decimated the world's resources and society has in many ways collapsed. That way, should things turn out all right, we'll actually feel a touch saddened at the thought of not being able to try human meat after all.

Here are some examples of things we could actually look forward to in harsh times ravaged by cooties;

~ No more making school lunches for the kiddies!
Can't say I miss that. So the kids don't get an edumacation, big deal. Look at the waste of taxpayer dollars I was. At least now they can take after our forefathers and learn useful skills like scavenging for food and maintaining shelters instead of trying to justify the ridiculousness that is "new math." "But you could just home-school them!" Lady, (oh don't give me that look, you all read that statement in a woman's voice, and you know it,) I'm not all that bright to begin with. If I transferred any knowledge that I might have somehow retained from my youth onto my progeny, it would only become a blurrier version of whatever it once was, guaranteeing mistakes. Then their kids would be even worse off. Making photocopies from photocopies only breeds fuzzy pictures, sister. So, I guess my point is something, like, keep them at home and feed 'em from the same trough as the other livestock, easy peasy lemon squeezy.

~ Car shopping made easy!
Imagine strolling down the boulevard amid a myriad of cars, all yours for the taking. That could be a very pleasant reality with the world wary of sickness and contagion. Like that little blue Italian sports car? Just step in front of it, admiring the responsiveness of its powerful disc brakes. Look the driver dead in the eyes as you lower your head and begin to lick the car's hood in one solid, wet stripe. Rather than risk dying of your potential horrific disease, he or she will gladly toss you the keys and flee for their safety and, voila! You've got a new ride, no credit checks necessary! Of course, someone could just do the same thing to you, but how great would that be!? Everyday you could try a new set of wheels as people everywhere played an endless game of "Upgrade My Ride." Just remember to take that hand sanitizer with you!

​~ Meal subscription kits will feature new, exotic tastes!
"This week our chef has put together everything you need for a superb, yet casual night-in of at-home dining; straight from the heart of Montreal; Roasted Swamp Rat with soy sauce reduction and dandelion thistle salad." You're a big, fat liar if you say you've never wanted to try rat. I know I do.

So, as you can plainly see, lots of great things to look forward to, societal collapse or not. I understand that it can be difficult to keep on grinnin' in times of uncertainty, but if there's anything I've learned from years of exposure from electronic devices to people everywhere, it's that we thankfully now have short  enough attention spans that we'll forget all about this silly old disease just like everything else in the last decade, and we'll undoubtedly experience a whole new set of problems yet to come. Might as well make the most of it. Heck, if we're wrong and everything goes back to normal, at least then that shitty reality pre-Corona won't seem so bad.

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