Exercising My Demons
Oh, wait. That just makes them stronger.
“Hi, welcome to McDonalds. How can I help you?”
“Yeah hi, I’ll take a couple Big Macs and a strawberry smoothie, pls.”
“All right, very good. Please pull up to the first window.”
“And we just wanted you to know, we here at McDonalds are not racist.”
“…Umm, that’s, uh, great. Good to hear.”
“And we believe in equal rights and justice for all, especially those experiencing racial discrimination in our current times.”
“….Okay. Appreciate tha-“
“So McDonalds is donating funds to the NAACP and the National Urba-“
“Yeah, can I just get my food, please? I’m gonna just…I’m rolling away to the window now…”
“Wait! Don’t forget that McDonalds is also a proud supporter of the Fries for Good initia-“
“Can’t hear yoooo I’m getting my foooooooood…”
“And we house families in need! We kiss the sea turtles every night! Bill in the kitchen found a baby bird the other night and is feeding it regurgitated worm smoothies until it can fly! And our headquarters are made from used McDonalds napkins and our cars run on dreeeeeeeeeeeeams!...“
For the record, I’m not knocking McDonalds.
I’m actually pretty impressed with the restaurant chain these days. It’s a far cry from the greasy indigestible road scrapings from my youth. I hardly ever find tire treads on my burger meat anymore. Okay, fine. Never. I’ll play nice here. As far as any fast food chain goes, I find they offer the most menu options, their food actually resembles the pictures (I’m looking at you DQ, you suck), they serve the food in very recyclable-friendly containers so we feel good about ourselves until we dump it all in the garbage anyway, and they know how to keep families happy. (Can you name any other restaurant chain where children can build up their germ immunity in a playpark between pit stops for apple slices using unwashed hands? I submit that you cannot.)
Like the man says: I don’t always eat at McDonalds. But when I do I seriously have to rationalize my laziness with the long term consequences of instant meal gratification for my children and whether or not they already got that Snoopy toy figurine.
Big companies donate big money to worthy causes all the time. Without that kind of big league funding, a lot of these charities and causes and movements wouldn’t stand a chance. But the way companies use those donations or social movements to market themselves….oh that leaves me with a desperate need to shower and scrub my skin raw while uncontrollably sobbing “Damn you [insert company name here], I thought you were different! Whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…..”
McDonalds used the Black Lives Matter movement for their latest ad campaign.
I have no doubt their intentions were noble, and yes bringing awareness to an important social issue is always a good thing. But when a company logo accompanies any campaign efforts at fighting social injustice or spreading a message of hope, it just smacks of blatant opportunism. You’re trying to show you’re not racist? Uhh, newslink, we never thought you were. Until now.
If a company (any company, I’m getting off Micky D’s back now) wants to support a movement or donate to a cause because it is legitimately important to them and their company culture, they should do it anonymously. Say what you want to say. Bring positive awareness. Just leave the company logo at home.
Imagine a large billboard that said “We donated to 4oceans because people who use straws are turtle hating a-holes. We’re not.” And nothing else.
A good journalist would dig into it anyway, find out who rented the ad space, and bring eventual publicity to the responsible company. That, I think most people could get behind. Better yet, rent the ad space under a shell company so it’ll really show to the public that you were trying to hide your tracks. Awareness to social cause; check. Anonymity while still possibly getting recognition for your company; check. Calling straw-sipping turtle haters assholes; check.
I get it. Advertising costs companies mega bucks. But if an issue is legitimately important to them, they’ll be willing to risk zero recognition for their noble efforts. Publicly taking credit for a socially geared ad campaign is akin to a guy adopting a rescue then parading the poor thing all over town bragging about it. We get it, Brad. You’re a giant douche-canoe. Now get out of my bathroom.
Oh! And don’t get me started on this whole Covid “We’re all in this together” sheep shit advertising opportunity bonanza. Yeah, we get it, Acura. And Publix. And Nationwide Insurance. And Sprint. And U-Haul. And every other company out there callous enough to jump on the Covid feel-good train. Take your somber yet inspiring music score and scenic shots completely devoid of people and stick ‘em up yer bum. Your false sincerity only makes me want to ignore you even more.
In fact, I’m gonna support companies who didn’t feel like joining the countless corporate shills looking to profit from suffering and uncertainty. Let’s see now….. hang on…. ….. AHA! No, wait, Lay-Z-Boy is actually fully on board staying at home anyway….so is Adam&Eve.com……….there’s gotta be one somewhere that still has integrity....…by the way this is a great time to buy one of my kids’ books “Saved by the Belly Button”, found in our Swag and Stuff section. In these uncertain times, at least we’ve got each other, amiright?.........I know there’s gotta be somebody out there with scruples…...